Confessions of a Skinny Kid

At this point, I would rather have a screaming baby on the outside, than a kicking one on the inside. Every time he moves, I want to cry. Not just because I've loved something so much, but because I am so sore. I swear he kicks so hard I have bruises. Today the Doctor put me on weight restrictions. No lifting anything over ten pounds. This, in essence, renders me useless. Safeway put me on a leave of absence. I can no longer go grocery shopping by myself. I can't even go shopping for clothes by myself. Hell, I can't even get out of a car without help. It's a wonder I can bathe myself. (Thank god for baths) I also had an ultrasound on my kidneys Because the doc is afraid of preeclampsia. She's also afraid of renal infection, urinary tract infection and blood clots. I'm afraid of the Doctor.

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San Jose Dating

I thought this was funny. My 22nd birthday is tomorrow. Not exactly anything I'm thrilled about, but I will say that I am turning 21 again next year, after Peanut is born. Peanut's due date is April 22nd as of right now, and on Thursday I'll find out the sex. Finally. I'd actually love to name the kid Peanut, but I think that kids in kindergarten might beat him or her up. So if anyone has any name ideas besides Peanut, let me know.

Today is Das Babeh's 12 week uh...anniversary. Supposedly, Das Babeh can now suck on it's thumb, squirm and make goofy facial expressions.
It's times like this that I wish I had enough money to buy an ultrasound machine and get it somehow semi permenantly affixed to where I can see Das Babeh on a constant baisis. I just want to see if it makes goofy faces like me.

Also: I got a job.
Yay!

Early this morning,
toilet became my best friend.
popcorn anyone?



Baby apparently does not like popcorn. *mental note made.
I also am getting fat. whoda thought after 11 weeks?

Cravings I have had so far:
Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell.
Apple Juice. Indecent amounts of Apple Juice.
Chipotle. The entire store.
Cool Ranch Doritos.
Marshmallows.
Pie. (Hey Campana, I need some PIE!)
Odd amounts of Sour Cream.
Grape juice.
V-8 juice.
Chai.

Adversions I have had:
Lettuce.
Popcorn.
Grilled cheese.
Nachos.
Anything from Wendy's.
alfredo sauce.
All coffee.
All Energy Drinks.
Peaches.

Also, I need new pants. my old ones don't really fit me anymore. :(
Now, after all that food talk, I am hungry.

Fact: The Cubs Still Suck.

Fact: Being Pregnant Is Sorta Like Living With A Giant Tapeworm In Your Stomach.

Fact: Moving Back In With Your Parents When You've Already Been Married And Out By Yourself For Too Long Sucks.

I guess I haven't updated this thing in a long time. so here also is the news, as told by me.
For those of you who don't read my myspace blog religiously:

My husband sorta cheated on me. I sorta moved back in with my mother. I'm now in Tempe, and close(er) to friends that I have not been able to see in a long time.

I happen to be 10 weeks Pregnant, and as stated above, it is very much like living with a giant tapeworm in your belly. Except it keeps growing bigger all around, not just longer, and it doesn't always like what you feed it. We still aren't sure if it's a boy or girl, and I am still taking name suggestions. So far I have picked Lilly if it's a girl, and Collin if it's a boy. And we already gotthe first blood test results back, and I'm not having a mentally challenged challanged kid as of yet, although, some people are convinced that it very well may be the antichrist, and I have come to peace with this.

My brother is now a fulltime male stripper at Dick's.

Also, I bought a car, a 97 Pontiac Grand AM with 83,000 miles on it. It's posessed. The speedometer, heat fuel and RPM gage do not work for the most part, but I swear sometimes they have done way too much LSD, and that is usually when I have the radio on, and it all goes nuts. I get a fantastic light show out of it though. I have named my wondercar Baxter.

That's pretty much it I guess, maybe I'll show my face at a peotry event soon. Itis possibble, so keep a lookout.

I still don't know what going on inside my brain. I'm so incredibly happy sometimes and then, like a toothpick snapping, I'm lost.
I've been so disassociated with things that hjalf the time reality and fantasy are the same things.
My dreams are seeping through.
And slipping away.
Losing someone you love, that's the worst torture of all.
Knowing you chased them away is the second worst.
Not knowing what to do with yourself after ward...
That's insanity..
I'm slipping closer and closer to vertigo.
And further and further from truth.
I've lost my way through this cave enough times to know that once you lose sight of the light, you can't find your way back.

i got two strong arms
blessings of babylon
with time to carry on
and try
for sins and alarms
so to america the brave
wise men save

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got plans for us
nights in the scullery
and days instead of me
i only know what to discuss
of for anything but light
wise men fighting over you

it's not me you see
pieces of valentine
with just a song of mine
to keep from burning history
seasons of gasoline and gold
wise men fold

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got time to kill
sly looks in corridors
without a plan of yours
a blackbird sings on bluebird hill
thanks to the calling of the wild
wise men's child

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you


I've been obsessing over this song. I don't know why...

I wish I could shed my human body and reveal the energy underneath.
Physical barriers just.....fucking bother me.
If only they could see what's boiling beneath the surface.
I wish I could have told him I could see it coming, and that well, shit, it was a good go.
But it wasn't like that.
I am not like that.
I thought and felt that we would fix this.
That somehow he was strong enough for the both of us,
because I felt my knees buckling under the pressure.
He didn't see it coming.
And when it hit, he lost his footing.
I don't know where to start picking up the pieces.

A wise man once said "All good things must come to an end."

I often wondered if that was really true.
I have been beating myself up over my little deaths...breakup, divorce, losses great and small...regret...
And that is what they have come to, little deaths.
But how many times must one die to achieve the greater good?
I've played many parts in this life, the non beliver, the saint, the bitch, The mother, the child, the slayer, the lover, the tower and the tomb.
But where does all of this lead to?
I am in a living paradox...the loves me loves me not sort of romantic,
I'm tired of letting my character be my destiny, because I have played too many parts in this life, and broken too many bonds to count.
And from all of this, I forgot to say that I was sorry,
I'm sorry I never kissed you, I'm sorry I never told you how I felt, I'm sorry that I wasn't there when the tides turned and the battles were lost or won. I'm sorry to the mother, the son, the lover, the sister, the leper and the father, the sights, the smells and the blinding light that swells brightest in sleep. I'm sorry I have never been my true self. I'm sorry I was never there for you.
Forgiveness, they say, is where it all starts.
If you can forgive me, perhaps I can forgive me.
I've blown it one to many times. And I'm tired of chalking up the score one to nothing.
Instincts, are the root.
My roots never got the chance to be planted, so where does that leave me?
The regret and the lonlieness eats me from the inside, and no, I'm not being emo here, you haven't been in my shoes, and when you've walked the first mile in them, remember that there is more to follow.
Judge me, though justly. I have been no saint these last years.
I am willing to fight for more than I'm willing to admit.
I've just lost my comrades along the way.
Perhaps I was always meant to fight alone.
Though, I am the deserter instead of the desertee.
I'm trapped behind the four chambers of my heart, and though my fists have grown tired and my body weary of the struggle,
I will keep the rhythm beating.
You may never know me, but know that I am not long gone.
The little girl you once knew is here, and she's listening.
Believe in her, and she will believe in you.

Hey everyone, I need to ask you all a favor.
If you pray, pray for me.
If you don't pray, think positive thoughts in my direction.
I have been suffering through one blow after another this year, and we're only two months into it.
First, I can't make it into the navy.
Then my grandfather dies,
Then my uncle dies.
I got fired from a job.
I then found out that I have a very high possibility of having cervical cancer.
And I was fired from the job I took to make up for the first.
On monday, I am going in for a conference about having a culposcopy to find out if I indeed do have cervical cancer, and I will be scheduling an appointment for the culposcopy this next week, so I am pleading for everyone to send happy thoughts my way.
I would really appreciate it.
And I love you all.

I found out today that I can actually eat food with my feet.
I feel the apes calling to me from the Phoenix Zoo.

So, my husband and I sat down last night and had one of those fights. That married people have. Here's how it went.

Me: Why are you being such a grouch meister?

Him: Because I'm trying to think of how to say this.

Me: Just say it.

Him: I don't want to be married to someone who is a financial drain on me. You're killing yourself. When I said that's how your going to die the other night, I ment it. You're going to die coughing up a lung.

(previously we had watched Tideland. there's a scene where a woman dies while on meth, but she's coughing up a lung.)

Me: Oh.

Him: I just feel like I work and work, and you spend.

Me: I think I need to think about things.

So I left. I went and sat at the park and thought about it for awhile and came back.

Me: I have a few questions.

Him: okay.

Me: Do you love me?

Him: Yes.

Me: Do You Want To Be With Me?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well, then everytime we have an arguement about something, don't say you can't be with someone who does this or that. Because you don't know what that does to someone who loves you and wants to be with you.
Secondly, If I need to quit smoking, I need help doing it. I may have quit coke cold turkey, but I really don't think I can quit smoking like that. I resorted to smoking after I quit coke. So it's not going to be easy.
What do you want?

After asking that we had that whole "we need to work toward a common goal together" discussion. It seems lot of what my husband wants and needs was lost in translation. And the point I'm trying to get at is that It's really important to try and listen to your significant other. Marriages don't work out a lot of the time because the two parties involved aren't on the same page. they don't know how to communicate with one another. They also don't know how to listen. People need to have these conversations. We all change over time, and our goals and ideas change with us. When you're married, you have to communicate those goals and ideas. otherwise you're going nowhere.

My husband when he was younger, wanted a trophy wife. someone who looked nice all the time for her husband, who cooked and cleaned, and had a good job. Well, I don't know how to cook, I don't clean very often, and personally I don't give a rats ass what I look like in front of my husband. Am I going to change myself to fit his needs? Well, I'm learning how to cook. And I know how to clean, I just hate doing it. So you coud say I am trying to change to fit his needs, but not the bad way. I'm still not going to care what I look like in front of him, and I'm going to cook and clean to my specifications. and as far as he's concerned, that's good enough. But I had no idea these were things he wanted.

You learn a lot when you're married.

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Masturbate with the opposite hand. Get your resolution here.

This is by far the best one I've had yet. This will be a difficult feat to master, but, what the hell, if a boy can do it...I can too....right?

Your results:
You are Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy 94% Apocalypse 67% Dr. Doom 67% Magneto 66% Lex Luthor 62% Mr. Freeze 61% Mystique 61% Catwoman 61% The Joker 57% Dark Phoenix 55% Juggernaut 45% Venom 43% Two-Face 41% Riddler 40% Green Goblin 33% Kingpin 29%

You would go to almost any length for the protection of the environment including manipulation and elimination.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

Just like the essenza closing down, my departure for the US Navy was also...er...very short lived.
I have been discharged. I am not disclosing most of the details, because they are quite personal. But I will give you the shortened version.

I had surgery back in November, and turns out, I could not leave for bootcamp because I hadn't fully recovered from the said surgery. And then, they couldn't give me my original "office monkey" job back, so I had to pick another.

They offered me galley cook.

I said no.

What the hell else was I supposed to say?

So I was discharged.

And now, I'm safe and sound here in Glendale. And I'm not leaving again, for a really long time.
So, I'll see everyone on Thursday.

It'd be better if it said ask my boss for an amen.
Or better yet, ask Bjork for an amen.

Thursday will be my last Slam at Essenza.

I Ship out on Monday, the eighth, to go to Great Lakes, Illionis for boot camp. And After eight weeks of proverbial hell, I will make a quick 2 or three week trip to Biloxi, Mississippi for Schooling. After that, I have no idea where I will be stationed.

I will miss everyone from slam. Terribly.

Fond Memories of essenzaslam:
The first night I was there, Lauren and Jersey Bummed me Cigaretts. Bob talked me into coming again. I laughed so hard that I peed a little.

My first reading, I almost cried. I was so nervous, and I completley over acted. I swore I would never show up to slam again. But I did. Doyle was hosting.

Finding out Tereze was my cousin.

Red Is The Color Of The Devil.

Lauren Stealing My Bra.

The Cheese Conversation Holly, Mary, Bill and I had.

The Haiku invitational.

The Cover Slam.

The First night I judged.

Every Thursday night after the first night I judged, that I judged.

Every Thursday has been a sort of refuge for me, My home away from home. And now, That I have to say goodbye, I feel like I am sort of losing my family, away from my family. I just wanted to say That I loved you guys. And I'll miss you all.

Retrospectivus 2006

1.] What did you do in 2006 that you have never done before?

I got married, I joined the military, I graduated from med school.

[2.] Did you keep all of last years resolutions?

Hell no. It's pretty much impossble to get even with god.

[3.] Have you any resolutions for next year?

Quit Smoking. Move out of state, Get some killer abs.

[4.] What countries did you visit?

None, actually.

[5.] What would you like to have in 2007 that you didn't have in 2006?

My own house.

[6.] What date in 2006 will remain etched in your memory?

St. Patrick's Day. And November 6th, and March 19th, and February 10th.

[7.] What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating from med school, Joining the military, and gettting married.

[8.] What was your biggest failure?

Trying really hard not to move back in with my parents.

[9.] Did you suffer any illness or injury?

I suffered two car accidents, someserious head colds, a simeltaneous throat and sinus infection, and some damnable surgery.

[10.] What was the best thing you bought?

My Husband's Weddding Ring. And his Ipod.

[11.] Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My Mother's.

[12.] Where did most of your money go?

The wedding.

[13.] What did you get really really really excited about?

Christmas, My wedding, All the stuff that leads up to a wedding, six flags.

[14.] What songs & poems will always remind you of 2006?

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, anything by Modestmouse, or Fallout Boy, Poetry wise, I'm gonna have to say Bill Campana's Red Is The Color Of The Devil.

[15.] Compared to this time last year are you :

[A] Fatter or thinner? Fatter, belive it or not.
[B] Happier or sadder? Much much much happier.
[C] Richer or poorer? hella poorer.

[16.] What do you wish you'd done more of?

I dunno.

[17.] What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying, Screwing Around.

[18.] How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent it at my mom's house, opening presents, and at my in-law's, opening presents, and at my sister in law's, eating turkey.

[19.] Which LJ users did you meet for the first time?

Like, on or two.

[20.] Did you fall in love in 2006?

Oh yes. And then, I married him.

[21.] How many one night stands?

One. hahahaha.

[22] What was your favourite TV show?

Battlestar Galagtica, Grey's Anotomy, Parental Control on MTV, and The I Love The Eighties Series on VH1.

[23.] Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Some people are still hated. others are now loved, but I can't say There's anyone new.

[24.] What was/were the best books you read?

My Dream Of You, By Nuala Ofalahan.

[25.] What was your greatest musical discovery?

Within Temptation. lol.

[26.] What did you want and get?

Everything.

[27.] What did you want and not get?

To win the lottery.

[28.] What was your favourite film this year?

V for Vendetta.

[29.] What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

21, and I went to Vegas, Met Penn and Teller, got really drunk in front of my parents. And Gambled.

[30.] What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?

Tons of Money.

[31.] How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Casual.

[32.] What kept you sane?

Joshua, My dog, and Goldfish.

[33.] Which celebrity did you fancy the most?

Christian Bale, Natalie Portman.

[34.] Which political issue stirred you the most?

I don't know. ere were a lot.

[35.] Who did you miss?

My dad.

[36.] Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?

Pirates Do It With A Cannon.

[37.] Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...

Actually, the whole song sums up my year.

"Birds fall from the window ledge above mine,
then they flap their wings at the last second.

You see, birds fall from the window ledge above mine,
then they flap their wings at the last second.
I can see their dead weight just dropping like stones,
or small loaves of bread past my window all the time.
But unless I get up and walk across the room,
and peer down below
I don't see their last-second curves
toward a horizontal flight.
All these birds just falling from the ledge like stones

Now due to a construct in my mind,
that makes their falling and their flight
symbolic of my entire existence,
it becomes important for me to get up and see
their last second curves toward flight.
It's almost as if my life will fall
unless I see their ascent.

Mr. Mastodon farm - Mr. Mastodon farm
Cut swatches out of all materials.
Mr. Mastodon farm - Mr. Mastodon farm
Cut swatches out of all materials.

Birds fall from the window ledge above mine,
then they flap their wings at the last second.
I said birds fall from the window ledge above mine,
then they flap their wings at the last second.
But unless I get up and walk across the room,
and peer down below,
I won't see their last-second curves
toward a horizontal flight.
All these birds just falling from the ledge like stones

Now due to a construct in my mind,
that makes their falling and their flight
symbolic of my entire existence,
it becomes important for me to get up and see
their last second curves toward flight.
It's almost like my life will fall,
my life will fall - unless I see their ascent.
Mr. Mastodon farm - Mr. Mastodon farm
cut swatches out of all materials
Mr. Mastodon farm - Mr. Mastodon farm
cut swatches out of all materials
Mr. Mastodon farm - Mr. Mastodon farm
cut swatches out of all materials"

I'm Sick.
So by marital contract, I got my husband sick as well.
What a way to start Hanukkah.
Go Me!

Also, I found out that running a mile and a half while sick is not the best possible way to cure said sickness.

Also, My tastebuds have gone numb.

The Peach Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMf)     Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.     For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it. Your exact opposite: The Nymph Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer     You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.     Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense. DREAD: The False Messiah CONSIDER: The Loverboy, The Playboy, or The Boy Next Door Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.