Confessions of a Skinny Kid

At this point, I would rather have a screaming baby on the outside, than a kicking one on the inside. Every time he moves, I want to cry. Not just because I've loved something so much, but because I am so sore. I swear he kicks so hard I have bruises. Today the Doctor put me on weight restrictions. No lifting anything over ten pounds. This, in essence, renders me useless. Safeway put me on a leave of absence. I can no longer go grocery shopping by myself. I can't even go shopping for clothes by myself. Hell, I can't even get out of a car without help. It's a wonder I can bathe myself. (Thank god for baths) I also had an ultrasound on my kidneys Because the doc is afraid of preeclampsia. She's also afraid of renal infection, urinary tract infection and blood clots. I'm afraid of the Doctor.

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San Jose Dating

I thought this was funny. My 22nd birthday is tomorrow. Not exactly anything I'm thrilled about, but I will say that I am turning 21 again next year, after Peanut is born. Peanut's due date is April 22nd as of right now, and on Thursday I'll find out the sex. Finally. I'd actually love to name the kid Peanut, but I think that kids in kindergarten might beat him or her up. So if anyone has any name ideas besides Peanut, let me know.

Today is Das Babeh's 12 week uh...anniversary. Supposedly, Das Babeh can now suck on it's thumb, squirm and make goofy facial expressions.
It's times like this that I wish I had enough money to buy an ultrasound machine and get it somehow semi permenantly affixed to where I can see Das Babeh on a constant baisis. I just want to see if it makes goofy faces like me.

Also: I got a job.
Yay!

Early this morning,
toilet became my best friend.
popcorn anyone?



Baby apparently does not like popcorn. *mental note made.
I also am getting fat. whoda thought after 11 weeks?

Cravings I have had so far:
Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell.
Apple Juice. Indecent amounts of Apple Juice.
Chipotle. The entire store.
Cool Ranch Doritos.
Marshmallows.
Pie. (Hey Campana, I need some PIE!)
Odd amounts of Sour Cream.
Grape juice.
V-8 juice.
Chai.

Adversions I have had:
Lettuce.
Popcorn.
Grilled cheese.
Nachos.
Anything from Wendy's.
alfredo sauce.
All coffee.
All Energy Drinks.
Peaches.

Also, I need new pants. my old ones don't really fit me anymore. :(
Now, after all that food talk, I am hungry.

Fact: The Cubs Still Suck.

Fact: Being Pregnant Is Sorta Like Living With A Giant Tapeworm In Your Stomach.

Fact: Moving Back In With Your Parents When You've Already Been Married And Out By Yourself For Too Long Sucks.

I guess I haven't updated this thing in a long time. so here also is the news, as told by me.
For those of you who don't read my myspace blog religiously:

My husband sorta cheated on me. I sorta moved back in with my mother. I'm now in Tempe, and close(er) to friends that I have not been able to see in a long time.

I happen to be 10 weeks Pregnant, and as stated above, it is very much like living with a giant tapeworm in your belly. Except it keeps growing bigger all around, not just longer, and it doesn't always like what you feed it. We still aren't sure if it's a boy or girl, and I am still taking name suggestions. So far I have picked Lilly if it's a girl, and Collin if it's a boy. And we already gotthe first blood test results back, and I'm not having a mentally challenged challanged kid as of yet, although, some people are convinced that it very well may be the antichrist, and I have come to peace with this.

My brother is now a fulltime male stripper at Dick's.

Also, I bought a car, a 97 Pontiac Grand AM with 83,000 miles on it. It's posessed. The speedometer, heat fuel and RPM gage do not work for the most part, but I swear sometimes they have done way too much LSD, and that is usually when I have the radio on, and it all goes nuts. I get a fantastic light show out of it though. I have named my wondercar Baxter.

That's pretty much it I guess, maybe I'll show my face at a peotry event soon. Itis possibble, so keep a lookout.

I still don't know what going on inside my brain. I'm so incredibly happy sometimes and then, like a toothpick snapping, I'm lost.
I've been so disassociated with things that hjalf the time reality and fantasy are the same things.
My dreams are seeping through.
And slipping away.
Losing someone you love, that's the worst torture of all.
Knowing you chased them away is the second worst.
Not knowing what to do with yourself after ward...
That's insanity..
I'm slipping closer and closer to vertigo.
And further and further from truth.
I've lost my way through this cave enough times to know that once you lose sight of the light, you can't find your way back.

i got two strong arms
blessings of babylon
with time to carry on
and try
for sins and alarms
so to america the brave
wise men save

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got plans for us
nights in the scullery
and days instead of me
i only know what to discuss
of for anything but light
wise men fighting over you

it's not me you see
pieces of valentine
with just a song of mine
to keep from burning history
seasons of gasoline and gold
wise men fold

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got time to kill
sly looks in corridors
without a plan of yours
a blackbird sings on bluebird hill
thanks to the calling of the wild
wise men's child

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you


I've been obsessing over this song. I don't know why...

I wish I could shed my human body and reveal the energy underneath.
Physical barriers just.....fucking bother me.
If only they could see what's boiling beneath the surface.
I wish I could have told him I could see it coming, and that well, shit, it was a good go.
But it wasn't like that.
I am not like that.
I thought and felt that we would fix this.
That somehow he was strong enough for the both of us,
because I felt my knees buckling under the pressure.
He didn't see it coming.
And when it hit, he lost his footing.
I don't know where to start picking up the pieces.

A wise man once said "All good things must come to an end."

I often wondered if that was really true.
I have been beating myself up over my little deaths...breakup, divorce, losses great and small...regret...
And that is what they have come to, little deaths.
But how many times must one die to achieve the greater good?
I've played many parts in this life, the non beliver, the saint, the bitch, The mother, the child, the slayer, the lover, the tower and the tomb.
But where does all of this lead to?
I am in a living paradox...the loves me loves me not sort of romantic,
I'm tired of letting my character be my destiny, because I have played too many parts in this life, and broken too many bonds to count.
And from all of this, I forgot to say that I was sorry,
I'm sorry I never kissed you, I'm sorry I never told you how I felt, I'm sorry that I wasn't there when the tides turned and the battles were lost or won. I'm sorry to the mother, the son, the lover, the sister, the leper and the father, the sights, the smells and the blinding light that swells brightest in sleep. I'm sorry I have never been my true self. I'm sorry I was never there for you.
Forgiveness, they say, is where it all starts.
If you can forgive me, perhaps I can forgive me.
I've blown it one to many times. And I'm tired of chalking up the score one to nothing.
Instincts, are the root.
My roots never got the chance to be planted, so where does that leave me?
The regret and the lonlieness eats me from the inside, and no, I'm not being emo here, you haven't been in my shoes, and when you've walked the first mile in them, remember that there is more to follow.
Judge me, though justly. I have been no saint these last years.
I am willing to fight for more than I'm willing to admit.
I've just lost my comrades along the way.
Perhaps I was always meant to fight alone.
Though, I am the deserter instead of the desertee.
I'm trapped behind the four chambers of my heart, and though my fists have grown tired and my body weary of the struggle,
I will keep the rhythm beating.
You may never know me, but know that I am not long gone.
The little girl you once knew is here, and she's listening.
Believe in her, and she will believe in you.

Hey everyone, I need to ask you all a favor.
If you pray, pray for me.
If you don't pray, think positive thoughts in my direction.
I have been suffering through one blow after another this year, and we're only two months into it.
First, I can't make it into the navy.
Then my grandfather dies,
Then my uncle dies.
I got fired from a job.
I then found out that I have a very high possibility of having cervical cancer.
And I was fired from the job I took to make up for the first.
On monday, I am going in for a conference about having a culposcopy to find out if I indeed do have cervical cancer, and I will be scheduling an appointment for the culposcopy this next week, so I am pleading for everyone to send happy thoughts my way.
I would really appreciate it.
And I love you all.